This Was Not My Plan

Impatient even before birth, he arrived four pounds, nine ounces and eight weeks before his due date. 

He lay limp like a scrawny baby bird, all bones and skin transparent, perfectly still in the hospital bassinette.

As the curved tube fed his frail frame I wondered if he would even have the will to survive.  That day began the first of many long conversations with God about this little guy.

We welcomed him into our bustling brood of boys as a foster brother, preparing our hearts for the inevitable.  Or so we thought.

Our curly locks boy brought his share of joy and heartache to this big busy family.  As a toddler, he hit all the milestones you would expect but took his own sweet time getting there.  I was less worried than I might have been.  This was not my first mama-rodeo and kids eventually take their first step, say their first word.  And he did.

He was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder the same summer he learned to ride his two-wheeler without the training wheels.  I remember the scene, the precise spot I was standing as my eyes poured hot disappointment, outrage, disbelief. 

The future I saw for our son dissolved into thin air as that doctor took the story of his life and violently ripped out the pages one by one, leaving crumpled wads of paper recklessly strewn about.

But those expectations, that life plan I had imagined in my mind as I rocked him on my knee and tucked him in at night, were only MY plans.  Nothing had really changed except my perception, my acknowledgment of the brutal truth right before my eyes.

To say life with FASD is challenging would be a vast understatement. TJ has fought battle after battle for twenty-two years now.  Few people understand this, perhaps least of all him. And just when I think he’s in a good place, on a smooth road, the wheels fall off. 

Again, I’m panic-stricken.  I’m worried sick.  I hate my lack of control.

This very week, like a monstrous explosion out of the blue, we find ourselves in crisis mode.  All comfortable routines, safe arrangements and carefully crafted plans have been chucked out the window. The total sum of all I know about my boy’s future is zero.

I weep and I plead for our son.  I stomp and shake my head.  I replay my life, my parenting decisions, good, bad and terrible, cowering to the enemy’s blame game.  Spiraling downwards, into an all too familiar pit, I hear a faint word in the distance.  A whisper, almost inaudible.  Finally, an answer.

God answers.  He is not surprised.  He wrote this book.  His love is lavished on my boy, his love is lavished on me. 

And I grope to learn, to trust Him more.  One tiny step closer to taking Him at his word.

How about you?  Are you stressed by situations that seem out of your control?  Does your future look entirely different than you had hoped?

Listen, sister this life, your life, is God’s Plan A.  He is not surprised.  And while we do not understand it, we can trust Him.  He IS in control.

Believe me when I tell you that this is something I am circling back to daily.  Hoping for a tiny step forward.  Praying for growth.  Maybe you can relate, and take some encouragement in this process.

1. Acknowledge that God is in control.  Thank Him for this.
2. Hand Him everything.  I try to visualize physically giving over these things (worries, people, problems) one by one into His ginormous hands.
3. In place, receive in my empty hands God’s peace that He promises to us.
4. Worry, and notice I have returned and plucked some things right back out of God’s capable hands.
5. Return to step 2.

*I do not recommend step 4.  Avoid that step.  I’m just being transparent here.

Sister, I’m working on this, and I bet you are too.  My mama heart is hurting, stretching, hopefully growing.  Thank you Jesus.

♥ Tess

 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. Matthew 6:31-32

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39